...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
