so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
