I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
