new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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