ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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