A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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