How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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