Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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