you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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