you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
