I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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