Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
