Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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