Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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