I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
