She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
