Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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