if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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