remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
