Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
