Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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