I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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