I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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