hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
