I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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