Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
