There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
