the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
