the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
