just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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