I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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