we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
