i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
