highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
