i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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