It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
