Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
