Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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