Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize