Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
