I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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