You smell like stripper and shame
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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