his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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