and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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