Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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