I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
