My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
