That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
