Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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