My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
