the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
