Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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