I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
