i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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