he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
