But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
