Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
