Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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