I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
