My brain says no but my pants say off.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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