When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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