i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
