it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize