1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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